Why Your Inner Critic Isn't the Enemy (And What to Do Instead), With Jo Bell
The voice in your head that says you're not enough? It's not trying to hurt you—it's trying to protect you. Here's how to work with it, not against it.
Introduction
How many times this week have you caught yourself saying something to yourself that you'd never dream of saying to a friend?
I know that voice well. The one that whispers "Who do you think you are?" when you're about to do something brave. The one that reminds you of every mistake you've ever made right when you're trying to move forward. For years, I battled with my own inner critic—believing that if I could just silence it, I'd finally be free.
But what if I told you that your inner critic isn't actually the problem?
In this week's episode of Connection Matters, I sat down with Jo Bell—a trauma-informed coach specializing in inner child work and somatic healing—and what she shared completely transformed how I understand that critical voice inside. Jo's journey from crippling depression and anxiety to becoming a guide for women ready to live unfiltered is both powerful and practical.
In this post, you'll discover why trying to silence your inner critic might be keeping you stuck, how childhood conditioning shapes the way you speak to yourself, and three accessible practices to cultivate genuine self-compassion that actually sticks.
1. Your Inner Critic Was Once Your Protector
The voice that criticizes you now was once trying to keep you safe.
Here's what most self-help advice gets wrong about the inner critic: it treats it as an enemy to be defeated, a flaw to be fixed, or a weakness to be overcome. But Jo's approach is radically different—and far more effective.
"The inner critic often stems from childhood experiences and societal conditioning," Jo explains. "It developed as a survival mechanism—a way to keep you safe, to help you fit in, to protect you from rejection or harm."
Think about it: if you grew up in an environment where making mistakes led to harsh criticism, your brain learned to criticize you first as a protective measure. If expressing your needs resulted in dismissal or punishment, that inner voice learned to keep you small and quiet. It wasn't trying to hurt you—it was trying to help you survive.
The revelation here isn't just understanding where your inner critic came from. It's recognizing that this voice, however harsh it sounds now, developed out of love and protection. And when you stop fighting it and start understanding it, everything changes.
Jo shared how her own journey through severe depression forced her to confront these patterns: "I had to allow myself to feel emotions fully in order to build self-trust and live authentically. The breakdown became a breakthrough when I stopped trying to push away the difficult parts and instead developed a deeper, more compassionate relationship with myself."
2. Neuroplasticity: You Can Literally Rewire Your Self-Talk
The path you've been walking is well-worn—but you can forge a new one.
One of the most hopeful insights Jo shared involves the science of neuroplasticity—our brain's ability to form new neural pathways throughout our lives.
"Changing self-talk is like walking through an overgrown forest," Jo explains. "At first, the negative pathway is a well-worn highway—you've traveled it thousands of times. The new, compassionate path? That's completely overgrown with brambles and barely visible. Initially, it takes enormous effort to walk the new path. But with consistent practice, that new path becomes clearer, wider, easier to find. Eventually, it becomes your new highway."
This isn't about positive affirmations that feel fake or toxic positivity that dismisses real struggles. It's about conscious, repeated practice of noticing your self-talk and choosing—again and again—to respond differently.
Jo emphasized: "While moments of enlightenment can occur, lasting change requires consistent effort and awareness. It's not a one-time fix—it's a practice."
I've experienced this in my own life, particularly during what I initially saw as "unproductive" periods. I now understand those times as essential integration work—consolidation rather than constant expansion. When I stopped criticizing myself for not doing more and started appreciating the strengthening that was happening internally, everything shifted.
The beautiful truth about neuroplasticity is this: it's never too late to develop a kinder relationship with yourself. Every time you catch that critical voice and choose a more compassionate response, you're literally rewiring your brain.
3. Self-Compassion Isn't Self-Indulgence—It's Self-Leadership
The strongest leaders aren't the harshest critics; they're the steadiest presences.
There's a pervasive myth that self-compassion makes you soft, that you need the inner critic to stay motivated, that being kind to yourself means lowering your standards. Jo dismantled this completely.
"The inner critic may have been necessary during childhood, but it is not needed in adulthood," she said. "It actually leads to a cycle of 'never enoughness'—no matter what you achieve, it's never sufficient. Research shows that self-compassion actually improves resilience and leadership effectiveness far more than self-criticism ever could."
Think about the people you most respect and trust as leaders—whether in your personal life or professional sphere. Are they the ones who are hardest on themselves, or are they the ones who remain grounded, steady, and compassionate even in difficulty?
We discussed how choosing yourself—setting boundaries, canceling plans when you need rest, honoring your authentic needs—isn't selfish. It's the foundation of genuine self-leadership. And that leadership creates ripples far beyond yourself.
Jo works with women ready to stop editing themselves and enter a new era of living unfiltered through her signature program RISE, where participants move from overthinking, people-pleasing, and self-doubt into deep trust in themselves and emotional steadiness. The transformation happens not through harsh self-discipline, but through regulated, trauma-informed practices that honor the nervous system and the whole person.
As we navigate increasingly challenging times—personally and globally—the ability to remain compassionate with ourselves becomes not just a personal practice but a necessary foundation for showing up in the world with presence and purpose.
Practical Takeaways: Three Ways to Work With Your Inner Critic
Ready to shift from battling your inner critic to building genuine self-compassion? Here are three tangible practices you can start today:
1. Notice and Name
When you catch yourself in harsh self-talk, simply pause and notice: "There's that critical voice." Naming it creates space between you and the thought. You are not your inner critic—it's just one voice among many.
2. Ask: "What Are You Trying to Protect Me From?"
Instead of fighting the critical voice, get curious about it. What is it afraid will happen if you're not harsh with yourself? This question shifts you from combat to compassion and often reveals the scared, younger part of you that's trying to keep you safe.
3. Choose One Compassionate Replacement
Pick just one critical phrase you say frequently and create a compassionate alternative. For example: "I'm so stupid" becomes "I'm learning, and mistakes are part of growth." Practice the new phrase deliberately, even if it feels awkward at first. Remember: you're forging that new neural pathway.
Conclusion: The Invitation to Live Unfiltered
Your inner critic isn't your enemy—it's a part of you that learned to protect you in the only way it knew how. But what served you once may no longer serve who you're becoming.
The journey from self-criticism to self-compassion isn't about achieving perfection or having breakthrough moments that fix everything forever. It's about showing up again and again with awareness, choosing a kinder voice, and trusting that those small, consistent choices create profound transformation over time.
As Jo beautifully put it: "The impact of self-doubt on making a difference in the world is enormous. When we transform our relationship with ourselves, we create ripples of change through self-connection and authenticity that extend far beyond what we can imagine."
Ready to deepen this work?
🎧 Listen to the full conversation with Jo Bell on the Connection Matters podcast:
📥 Access Jo's free resources to begin transforming your self-talk and connect with your inner child:
* Sign up for the Desiging a Life Aligned with Your Tru North here
💬 Join the conversation: What's one critical phrase you're ready to transform? Share with me on social media.
Remember: the path to living authentically, to leading from a grounded and steady place, to creating the ripples of change this world so desperately needs—it all begins with how you speak to yourself in the quiet moments when no one else is listening.
